Love and Logic Tip #2 - Delivering Effective Consequences

When I was a kid I loved the movie The Parent Trap.  Not the 1998 Linsday Lohan version, the original from 1961 starring Hayley Mills.

If you aren't familiar with the movie, it is about twins who are separated at birth when their parents decide to divorce, and are therefore unaware of each other's existence.  Hayley Mills plays both twins, who happen to attend the same summer camp.  The fact that they look alike creates an automatic dislike of one another.  Following an escalating series of pranks, it ends in a disastrous school dance where mayhem ensues after one twin cuts off the back of the other twin's skirt.  They wreck the entire dance hall as they fight, and the camp director ends up covered in cake.

The next day the camp director, Miss Inch, contemplates what to do with both girls.  She then muses "Let the punishment fit the crime."

Hayley Mills and Ruth McDevitt in Disney's 1961 movie, The Parent Trap

Thus, both girls end up in solitary confinement, spending all of their time together, just the two of them.  Eventually they discover they are twins, and then set about reuniting their parents.  And because this is a Disney movie, of course, they all live happily ever after.

I have always marveled at the brilliance of Miss Inch's punishment.  She determines that if the crime is fighting with one another, then the punishment should be spending time together.  In fact, she tells them that they'll end up punishing each other far better than she ever could.

While this probably wouldn't work in a lot of situations, it does have a point - consequences should not be meaningless, or arbitrary.  There should be a reason for the consequence that is directly related to the infraction.  In the adult world, consequences are naturally occurring things.  If I speed, the officer doesn't hold me in from recess for 5 minutes (if only).  If someone overdraws on their bank account, the bank doesn't change their color on a clip chart.

One of the things I liked most about Love and Logic was the idea of delivering an effective consequence.  There are a few parts to this strategy.

First, the consequence needs to be delivered with empathy.  This was hard for me at first, but it makes total sense.  According to Love and Logic, if you begin your delivery with an empathetic statement:
1) the child is not distracted by the adult's anger
2) the child must "own" his or her pain - no blame games here!
3) the child is less likely to seek revenge (it's hard to be angry with someone who feels bad for you)
4) the adult is seen as being able to handle problems with kids without breaking a sweat

Empathetic statements should be very simple.  Some of the most popular include:
"Bummer..."
"This is so sad..."
"Oh man, this is hard..."

It's super important that your delivery of these statements be free from sarcasm!  Kids know the difference!

You then follow this empathetic response with a delivery of the consequence.

Before I talk about logical consequences, let me first say that I had a HUGE aha moment when listening to the Teaching with Love and Logic audio series.

Consequences do NOT have to be immediate.

I feel like we're trained in "teaching school" that we need to handle bad behavior as soon as it happens, meaning we need to deliver a punishment right away.  Although we do need to address the behavior, that doesn't mean automatic delivery of a consequence.  If you think about it, serious infractions in the adult world are rarely punished immediately.  It someone commits a serious crime, their sentence takes weeks, even months to be delivered.

Sometimes when a child makes a poor choice, I can't come up with a logical consequence right off the top of my head, particularly if I'm emotional.  The Love and Logic program says to use this statement:

"Oh man, this is so sad.  I'm going to have to do something about this, but I don't know what that is yet.  I'll think about it and let you know tomorrow.  Try not to worry about it."

When I have used this statement, I have found that some kids literally don't sweat it until I bring it up again the next day when I get the look of "Oh snap!  She remembered!"  But some do fret about it, and bring it up first thing the next morning.  Kids should always be doing more of the thinking about their behavior than we do.

Logical consequences should be as natural as possible.  After all, that's what we're really trying to accomplish, preparation for the real world.  After going through the Love and Logic program, I ditched the color changing clip chart.  Way too abstract and not at all practical.

Instead, in the classroom I started using consequence slips.  They were half sheets of paper with the following questions on them:
"What problem did you create?"
"What proactive choice could you have made?"
"What is your consequence for not solving the problem?"

The students had to fill these out, with my guidance, and then sign them.  I added my signature, and then they were sent home for a parent signature, with the promise that if the slips were not returned the next day, I would be contacting parents to make sure they saw the slip.  Click on the picture below for a copy of the slips I use!

I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED these slips!!  They were pretty powerful, a great reflection tool and a good way to have a calm conversation about the behavior.  I also liked have a written record of what we talked about.

Here's how I used them.  When a child is causing a problem, I use the phrase "Uh oh...", which serves as a warning to them that what they are doing is creating a problem for someone in the room.  I ask them what they think will happen if they continue with that behavior.  This is another brilliant Love and Logic technique.  The program creators point out that kids will usually name the first consequence that pops into their head that they dread the most.  Which is a great way to figure out what will be most effective for that child!  After the child names a possible consequence, I follow up with, "That's a possibility.  So please solve the problem, or I will have to do something about it."

When it happens again, I say this: "Bummer, this is sad.  We will talk about this at the end of the day.  Until then, please come sit at my table so that you aren't causing any other problems for the rest of us."  I then write the child's name on a consequence slip and leave it on my table, so that I remember we need to fill it out at the end of the day.

During our pack up time, I then guide the child through filling out a slip.  And yes, there have been times I have a table full of kids needing to fill those slips out.  When we get to the last question, I ask them what they think their consequence should be.  If the child names a consequence that I think is both logical and appropriate, he or she writes it down and we sign the slip.  If the child doesn't come up with a consequence that I think "fits the crime", or can't think of one, I then offer some possibilities.  Click on the chart below for a list of some logical consequences to use in school.

At home, I don't use consequence slips, but I do have the same conversation.  What problem did you create, what would have been a better choice, what do you think should happen now?  The girls have gotten pretty good at coming up with logical consequences, since they now understand that, as the camp director from The Parent Trap so aptly put it, the punishment should fit the crime.  Click on the chart below for a list of some logical consequences to use at home.

One note: Please use your adult discretion with a strategy like this.  If a child is putting the safety of someone else at risk, I do not wait to address it until the end of the day.  Children's safety should always be top priority, and dangerous behavior needs to be handled immediately.

So what do you do if you just can't come up with a logical consequence?

You have...drumroll please...

an ENERGY DRAIN!!!

The energy drain is one of my absolute favorite Love and Logic techniques, and I can't wait to share it with you in my next post!

Until next time,
See ya real soon!
Allison

Love and Logic Tip #1 - Enforceable Statements

I grew up on a steady diet of Peanuts.  The comic strip, not the food.  I enjoyed reading the cartoon in the newspaper, but I especially loved the TV specials.  The animation, the music, and especially the characters all appealed to me.  I could identify with having to take part in a Christmas pageant, going trick-or-treating, dealing with an annoying little brother, and having a dog with a mind of its own.

One of my favorite parts of the comic was the teacher, whose endless "wah-wah-wahhhhhh" was something every kid has experienced at some point when listening to an adult.  When I became a teacher, I hoped and prayed that my students would never hear that trumpet voice in their head and be as bored as poor Peppermint Patty, with their head slumped backwards on a classmate's desk.

But despite my best efforts, I'm sure at times that's what I've sounded like to both students and my own three children.  In fact, that's probably what kids hear most of the time when an adult starts to command and demand.

"Clean your room!"
"Stop talking!"
"Leave your sister alone!"
"Do your homework!"
"Stop fighting!"
"Eat your dinner!"
"Stop licking your eraser!"

Translation: WAHHHH-wah-wah-WAH-WAHHHHH

The truth is that, although we would like to think otherwise, we can't actually make kids do these things, unless we use physical force.  We can deliver consequences for disobeying a direct command, but that doesn't mean they will end up doing what it was we even wanted from them in the first place.

Enforceable statements allow adults to set limits that they can control.  For example, when K eats a measly two bites of her dinner, and then wants to know if she will be allowed to have a bedtime snack, I have a few options.  I can say "no", which to a three year old is the worst word in the world and usually produces a tantrum.  Or I can tell her to take a certain number of bites before she can be done, which usually ends with whining, tears, and a very dramatic display of counting bites.  Now this does get results, but they aren't exactly enjoyable, and we all are made to suffer along with her.  Because at this point, the only part of the situation that K has control over is her reaction.

Or, I can use the following statement: "I give bedtime snacks to kids who eat their dinner."  Why does that work?  It works because I set a limit that I can control and enforce.  I just told her what I will do as a result of her behavior.  If she eats, I'll give her a snack, if she doesn't, I won't.  Therefore, she maintains some control, because she gets to make the decision, knowing full well what the outcome will be.

The beauty of an enforceable statement is that you lay it all out there for the child.  I will do A when you do B.  I will do C when you do D.  Then they know exactly what to expect, and can decide their next course of action.  And this statement is something that you can enforce.  You're not making an idle threat, or trying to impose your will on them.  You are simply stating what you will do as a direct result of what they do.

This might sound silly, but it works.  90% of the time when I use this strategy, I get the results I'd hoped for, without anyone losing their temper.

Now it takes some practice, because it's pretty much the exact opposite of how most people were parented/taught and how we ourselves now parent/teach.  Since this type of discipline is not exactly instinctive, and, as I said, requires some practice, I've put together a list of possible situations both at home and at school where enforceable statement will be most effective.  For each situation, I've given an example of an enforceable statement that could be used.  The formula for this is pretty simple: I will _____ when you _____.  Or, Feel free to _____ when you _____.  Click on the picture below, or this link, to get your free download!

Here is a golden nugget that I use when a child starts arguing: "I love you too much to argue."  Kids are experts in the fine art of arguing. I'm pretty sure they are handed a manual at birth when we're not looking.  If you refuse to get sucked into the argument, it ends pretty quickly.  You just repeat that same statement over, and over, as many times as you need to.  This drives M absolutely NUTS!  When she says "Mom! STOP saying that!" I know I've broken her down and ended the argument.  This works in the classroom too, except I tweak it and say "I don't argue with third graders."  I don't have to use it very often, but when I do, it does the trick!

So what do you do the other 10% of the time when enforceable statements won't do the trick?  In my next post, I will share with you what I've learned from the Love and Logic program about delivering effective consequences.

Until next time!
See ya real soon!

Allison