I grew up on a steady diet of Peanuts. The comic strip, not the food. I enjoyed reading the cartoon in the newspaper, but I especially loved the TV specials. The animation, the music, and especially the characters all appealed to me. I could identify with having to take part in a Christmas pageant, going trick-or-treating, dealing with an annoying little brother, and having a dog with a mind of its own.
One of my favorite parts of the comic was the teacher, whose endless "wah-wah-wahhhhhh" was something every kid has experienced at some point when listening to an adult. When I became a teacher, I hoped and prayed that my students would never hear that trumpet voice in their head and be as bored as poor Peppermint Patty, with their head slumped backwards on a classmate's desk.
But despite my best efforts, I'm sure at times that's what I've sounded like to both students and my own three children. In fact, that's probably what kids hear most of the time when an adult starts to command and demand.
"Clean your room!"
"Stop talking!"
"Leave your sister alone!"
"Do your homework!"
"Stop fighting!"
"Eat your dinner!"
"Stop licking your eraser!"
Translation: WAHHHH-wah-wah-WAH-WAHHHHH
The truth is that, although we would like to think otherwise, we can't actually make kids do these things, unless we use physical force. We can deliver consequences for disobeying a direct command, but that doesn't mean they will end up doing what it was we even wanted from them in the first place.
Enforceable statements allow adults to set limits that they can control. For example, when K eats a measly two bites of her dinner, and then wants to know if she will be allowed to have a bedtime snack, I have a few options. I can say "no", which to a three year old is the worst word in the world and usually produces a tantrum. Or I can tell her to take a certain number of bites before she can be done, which usually ends with whining, tears, and a very dramatic display of counting bites. Now this does get results, but they aren't exactly enjoyable, and we all are made to suffer along with her. Because at this point, the only part of the situation that K has control over is her reaction.
Or, I can use the following statement: "I give bedtime snacks to kids who eat their dinner." Why does that work? It works because I set a limit that I can control and enforce. I just told her what I will do as a result of her behavior. If she eats, I'll give her a snack, if she doesn't, I won't. Therefore, she maintains some control, because she gets to make the decision, knowing full well what the outcome will be.
The beauty of an enforceable statement is that you lay it all out there for the child. I will do A when you do B. I will do C when you do D. Then they know exactly what to expect, and can decide their next course of action. And this statement is something that you can enforce. You're not making an idle threat, or trying to impose your will on them. You are simply stating what you will do as a direct result of what they do.
This might sound silly, but it works. 90% of the time when I use this strategy, I get the results I'd hoped for, without anyone losing their temper.
Now it takes some practice, because it's pretty much the exact opposite of how most people were parented/taught and how we ourselves now parent/teach. Since this type of discipline is not exactly instinctive, and, as I said, requires some practice, I've put together a list of possible situations both at home and at school where enforceable statement will be most effective. For each situation, I've given an example of an enforceable statement that could be used. The formula for this is pretty simple: I will _____ when you _____. Or, Feel free to _____ when you _____. Click on the picture below, or this link, to get your free download!
Here is a golden nugget that I use when a child starts arguing: "I love you too much to argue." Kids are experts in the fine art of arguing. I'm pretty sure they are handed a manual at birth when we're not looking. If you refuse to get sucked into the argument, it ends pretty quickly. You just repeat that same statement over, and over, as many times as you need to. This drives M absolutely NUTS! When she says "Mom! STOP saying that!" I know I've broken her down and ended the argument. This works in the classroom too, except I tweak it and say "I don't argue with third graders." I don't have to use it very often, but when I do, it does the trick!
So what do you do the other 10% of the time when enforceable statements won't do the trick? In my next post, I will share with you what I've learned from the Love and Logic program about delivering effective consequences.
Until next time!
See ya real soon!
Allison
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