When I was a kid I loved the movie The Parent Trap. Not the 1998 Linsday Lohan version, the original from 1961 starring Hayley Mills.
If you aren't familiar with the movie, it is about twins who are separated at birth when their parents decide to divorce, and are therefore unaware of each other's existence. Hayley Mills plays both twins, who happen to attend the same summer camp. The fact that they look alike creates an automatic dislike of one another. Following an escalating series of pranks, it ends in a disastrous school dance where mayhem ensues after one twin cuts off the back of the other twin's skirt. They wreck the entire dance hall as they fight, and the camp director ends up covered in cake.
The next day the camp director, Miss Inch, contemplates what to do with both girls. She then muses "Let the punishment fit the crime."
Hayley Mills and Ruth McDevitt in Disney's 1961 movie, The Parent Trap
Thus, both girls end up in solitary confinement, spending all of their time together, just the two of them. Eventually they discover they are twins, and then set about reuniting their parents. And because this is a Disney movie, of course, they all live happily ever after.
I have always marveled at the brilliance of Miss Inch's punishment. She determines that if the crime is fighting with one another, then the punishment should be spending time together. In fact, she tells them that they'll end up punishing each other far better than she ever could.
While this probably wouldn't work in a lot of situations, it does have a point - consequences should not be meaningless, or arbitrary. There should be a reason for the consequence that is directly related to the infraction. In the adult world, consequences are naturally occurring things. If I speed, the officer doesn't hold me in from recess for 5 minutes (if only). If someone overdraws on their bank account, the bank doesn't change their color on a clip chart.
One of the things I liked most about Love and Logic was the idea of delivering an effective consequence. There are a few parts to this strategy.
First, the consequence needs to be delivered with empathy. This was hard for me at first, but it makes total sense. According to Love and Logic, if you begin your delivery with an empathetic statement:
1) the child is not distracted by the adult's anger
2) the child must "own" his or her pain - no blame games here!
3) the child is less likely to seek revenge (it's hard to be angry with someone who feels bad for you)
4) the adult is seen as being able to handle problems with kids without breaking a sweat
Empathetic statements should be very simple. Some of the most popular include:
"Bummer..."
"This is so sad..."
"Oh man, this is hard..."
It's super important that your delivery of these statements be free from sarcasm! Kids know the difference!
You then follow this empathetic response with a delivery of the consequence.
Before I talk about logical consequences, let me first say that I had a HUGE aha moment when listening to the Teaching with Love and Logic audio series.
Consequences do NOT have to be immediate.
I feel like we're trained in "teaching school" that we need to handle bad behavior as soon as it happens, meaning we need to deliver a punishment right away. Although we do need to address the behavior, that doesn't mean automatic delivery of a consequence. If you think about it, serious infractions in the adult world are rarely punished immediately. It someone commits a serious crime, their sentence takes weeks, even months to be delivered.
Sometimes when a child makes a poor choice, I can't come up with a logical consequence right off the top of my head, particularly if I'm emotional. The Love and Logic program says to use this statement:
"Oh man, this is so sad. I'm going to have to do something about this, but I don't know what that is yet. I'll think about it and let you know tomorrow. Try not to worry about it."
When I have used this statement, I have found that some kids literally don't sweat it until I bring it up again the next day when I get the look of "Oh snap! She remembered!" But some do fret about it, and bring it up first thing the next morning. Kids should always be doing more of the thinking about their behavior than we do.
Logical consequences should be as natural as possible. After all, that's what we're really trying to accomplish, preparation for the real world. After going through the Love and Logic program, I ditched the color changing clip chart. Way too abstract and not at all practical.
Instead, in the classroom I started using consequence slips. They were half sheets of paper with the following questions on them:
"What problem did you create?"
"What proactive choice could you have made?"
"What is your consequence for not solving the problem?"
The students had to fill these out, with my guidance, and then sign them. I added my signature, and then they were sent home for a parent signature, with the promise that if the slips were not returned the next day, I would be contacting parents to make sure they saw the slip. Click on the picture below for a copy of the slips I use!
I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED these slips!! They were pretty powerful, a great reflection tool and a good way to have a calm conversation about the behavior. I also liked have a written record of what we talked about.
Here's how I used them. When a child is causing a problem, I use the phrase "Uh oh...", which serves as a warning to them that what they are doing is creating a problem for someone in the room. I ask them what they think will happen if they continue with that behavior. This is another brilliant Love and Logic technique. The program creators point out that kids will usually name the first consequence that pops into their head that they dread the most. Which is a great way to figure out what will be most effective for that child! After the child names a possible consequence, I follow up with, "That's a possibility. So please solve the problem, or I will have to do something about it."
When it happens again, I say this: "Bummer, this is sad. We will talk about this at the end of the day. Until then, please come sit at my table so that you aren't causing any other problems for the rest of us." I then write the child's name on a consequence slip and leave it on my table, so that I remember we need to fill it out at the end of the day.
During our pack up time, I then guide the child through filling out a slip. And yes, there have been times I have a table full of kids needing to fill those slips out. When we get to the last question, I ask them what they think their consequence should be. If the child names a consequence that I think is both logical and appropriate, he or she writes it down and we sign the slip. If the child doesn't come up with a consequence that I think "fits the crime", or can't think of one, I then offer some possibilities. Click on the chart below for a list of some logical consequences to use in school.
At home, I don't use consequence slips, but I do have the same conversation. What problem did you create, what would have been a better choice, what do you think should happen now? The girls have gotten pretty good at coming up with logical consequences, since they now understand that, as the camp director from The Parent Trap so aptly put it, the punishment should fit the crime. Click on the chart below for a list of some logical consequences to use at home.
One note: Please use your adult discretion with a strategy like this. If a child is putting the safety of someone else at risk, I do not wait to address it until the end of the day. Children's safety should always be top priority, and dangerous behavior needs to be handled immediately.
So what do you do if you just can't come up with a logical consequence?
You have...drumroll please...
an ENERGY DRAIN!!!
The energy drain is one of my absolute favorite Love and Logic techniques, and I can't wait to share it with you in my next post!
Until next time,
See ya real soon!
Allison
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