I realized just how powerful this particular Love and Logic tip is when I shared it with a parent back in November.
To protect the privacy of both the student and the parent, I won't go into the details of why we were meeting, but throughout the course of the discussion I deduced that due to a situation in the child's life, he had lost an immense amount of power and control. So I decided to put on my parenting cap and share with this parent what I will now share with you.
As the grown-ups in the house, we feel, and were raised to believe, that the adults have all the power and control, because we're older, wiser, bigger, stronger, etc. But what I've learned as both a mommy and a teacher, is that being older, wiser, bigger and stronger does not necessarily mean that we have any true power and control over children. You can intimidate, threaten, plead, manipulate and yell, but unless you resort to physical tactics (and I definitely am not advocating that here), you really can't force your child to do anything. We try to set good examples, be models of desired behavior, and reward good behavior, but ultimately, those little brains will do what they want, unless motivated to do otherwise. I mean, yes, you can resort to intimidation tactics, but is that really the kind of relationship you want to have with your child? If it is, you are probably reading the wrong blog.
The same is pretty much true of teaching, except we have even less power and control than the parents or guardians of our students, making it an even greater challenge to retain that power.
Many households and classrooms are battlegrounds for power and control, with kids on one side and adults on the other. These rarely ever end as win-win situations. Instead, one side wins and one side loses, and when this happens, it really ends up being a lose-lose situation. If the parent comes out on top, the child will seek ways to gain that control back, resulting in further battles down the road. If the child comes out on top, the parent loses respect (self and otherwise).
The key to a win-win situation with power and control is to give away as much control as possible as a parent. Don't throw tomatoes at me just yet, hear me out. Don't give away power and control in situations that matter to you. You give away power and control when you don't even need/want it in the first place. How? By offering choices. Lots and lots of choices. So many choices that your little darlings believe they are in charge. Would you like to drink milk or juice tonight for dinner? Would you like to color with crayons or colored pencils? Do you want to get ready for bed now or in 10 minutes? Hint - Ask them this question 10 minutes before you actually need or want them to start getting ready for bed. Would you like to have fun today or be bored? Seriously, this was a suggestion from the Love and Logic gurus. You give choices over things that don't matter.
What's the point to all the choices? Because every choice you offer, you are making a power/control deposit into your child's psychological bank. Then, when it's time for you to be the parent and take back some of that power and control, you can make a withdrawal knowing that you've already deposited a mother load (no pun intended) of choices all day long. The L&L people suggest phrasing it like this: "I know you don't want to ______, but haven't I've been giving you lots of choices all day long? Now it's my turn to make a choice." I find that 99% of the time, they don't really argue with that. They might want to, but deep down they know they have no legs to stand on here, and save the arguing for another time. Probably about 10 minutes from now.
Have fun with this one, and challenge yourself to see how many choices you can offer your child throughout the day! And if you need some ideas, click on this link for a list of ideas with possible choices you can offer kids.
Next up: Tip #5, Taming the Angry Beast. As a mommy of a 7 year old, 4 year old, and 2 year old, I promise you this is one I am oh so acquainted with.
Have a magical day, and see ya real soon!
Allison
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